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Dick Meeting
Dick Meeting was a rebel foot soldier on Hoth and had an anatomy that would cause the other Rebels to stand up and applaud whenever he entered the steam baths. I Got Your Regulations Right Here For an organization hell bent on freedom, the Rebellion was very stringent with its facial hair regulations. There were only two configurations permissible. One was the classic box beard. The other was a big triumphant push broom bastard of a mustache ala Bob Hudsol. Anything else was straight out of bounds and better suited for the latte sipping Mandalorians. It should be noted that the Rebellion did issue shaving waivers to a few of the fat guys because shaving is hard for fat guys, but those were the only exceptions. Dick Meeting did not care about the regulations. He was determined to keep his Fu Manchu mustache, or Twi'lek Straddle as it's known in Star Wars parlance, that he grew when he was fourteen. Plus the biggest threat the NCOs would give whenever someone violated the facial hair regulations was that they'd ship them off to an outpost on Hoth. Dick was already on Hoth. What did he care? This sort of irreverence also led Meeting to question his superiors' tactical decisions and precluded him from blindly following orders as the other Rebels did. After all, what's the point of being a Rebel if you're not going to rebel? This philosophy would one day save his life. Football! Since Dick was miserable on Hoth, he decided that he could boost morale by starting a football team, and getting it included into the Jawa Football League. He was very successful, and got a lot of support from his fellow soldiers. Dick's mustache gave him an aura of strength. When you saw it, you just had to follow that man into battle, or in this case, onto the football field. So, for many months, the rebel soldiers practiced on the frozen tundra of Echo Field. They were very good, and led by quarterback Sid Groinular, performed well enough that Dick felt he could submit footage of their practices to the JFL Commissioner. Within weeks, the Hoth Echos were accepted into the League, and were put on the schedule for 3 ABY. Immediately, everyone realized this was a catastrophe. Dick Meeting's headstrong rebelliousness had just revealed the Alliance's hidden base to the Empire. Battle of Hoth Insubordination 1 Dick Meeting was beside himself when General Rieekan immediately identified the Imperial Walkers. The Rebels’ strategy anticipated a foot assault against the shield generator and they were prepared to pick the Imperials off one by one. Meeting wondered why, if Reiekan knew of the near impenetrable AT-AT’s, did he prepare for a foot assault? Did he really think the Empire would forgo such a purpose-built and impressive weapon in favor of slowly traversing the expanse of the fifty mile tundra on foot like sitting ducks? Battle of Hoth Insubordination 2 Dick Meeting caught fellow grunt Rob Feature changing the focal length of the rebel radar lasers the night before what would become the Battle of Hoth. Feature wanted to use the lasers to warm his baked potato. While they were effective in that task, they were now rendered useless as weapons for anything other than mildly annoying enemy troops. Meeting warned the Rebel leadership that the lasers needed to be re-calibrated or they would be doomed against any armored force, but his warning feel on deaf ears. When the first shot from the rebel radar laser glanced off the AT-AT like it was a water pistol, Meeting was completely bullhist. Battle of Hoth Insubordination 3 When Major Pickett ordered the Rebel foot soldiers to charge the AT-ATs, many of them did. Meeting knew that this would be as successful as a bunch of Ewoks trying to take down an entire legion of the Emperor's best troops. In other words: zero chance. Meeting simply said "&*^@ THAT!", but he couldn't bear to see his fellow soldiers being vaporized by the unnecessarily powerful AT-AT chin guns. He pleaded desperately with them to disobey the charge order. They did not listen and stormed off to their demise. When the shield generator was blown up by General Veers, Meeting was thrown fifteen yards backwards. The concussion hit his chest like a ten pound hammer. His heart was instantly stopped and he was dead. Postscript Fortunately for Meeting, the story goes on. The frigid Hoth temperatures kept his body perfectly preserved. Then one day two Imperial Stormtroopers, who were stranded on Hoth when they missed the last transport, found his frozen body. They thawed and revived Meeting. Meeting was marginally upset when he learned that the entire Hoth Echo JFL team was wiped out when their escaping transport was destroyed. However, in the end, the three men quickly realized they really had no beef with one another. They lived out their days on Hoth eating Wampa meat, playing cards, and singing Ackmena’s greatest hits. It was a good life except for the lack of women, but Meeting's flout law mustache said that he was a goer and his new Stormtroopers friends knew this. Category:Rebel Alliance Category:No-Names Category:Facial Hair Award Nominees Category:Flight of the Conchords References